Dear Daughters - How To Find A Guy Your Mum Will Like

Dear Daughters, Each morning before school I take my 17 year old to breakfast, to a funky little café opposite her school, called the Flying Monkey. Over toasties and tea, if I’m lucky, she forgets I’m her mother and I get to find out what is really going on in her life as opposed to the sanitised “for parent viewing” that I otherwise might get. On Friday she asked me if I would tell her if I didn’t like her boyfriend. I lied and said, ‘Yes of course.’ But of course, by the time he’s actually a boyfriend it’s actually too late for me to say anything – and would she listen then anyway? So after lying I told her some truths, to balance things out and make me feel like a good mum. I said, ‘I don’t mind who you date, It doesn’t matter what his personality is like As long as he doesn’t – Wear his jeans around his bum with his undies showing Want to join any organisation that legalises killing people Doesn’t want to be a rapper and you to be his Ho Doesn’t speak in rapper speak (especially if he’s a white boy) Doesn’t try to cut you off from your family Doesn’t try to cut you off from your friends Doesn’t get jealous or insecure when you do something better than him Doesn’t hit you, swear at you, or make you feel like shit Doesn’t have any weird eating habits Doesn’t wear T Shirts with slogans on them (I’ll make an exception for animal or environmental rights) Doesn’t want to just go on the dole and see what comes along Doesn’t slag in public Doesn’t talk about all the other females (real or not) that he’s attracted to Doesn’t call me ‘Darl’ or ‘Love’ You find someone Honey, who doesn’t do any of those things - and of course I will like him!